The Unpacking Chronicles Pt. 6: The Madness of the Conquistadors.

I just discovered a sealed box full of packing supplies and cardboard boxes. While unpacking. You know, just in case we need more stuff to pack with in the future.

My subconscious is not subtle.

Last night I dreamed that I was eating a plate of radishes. Around the table were many people who are near and dear to me, eating fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.

I was trying to solve a math problem, but everyone else insisted it was impossible. Insurmountable. Then they ate more cookies and told me how tasty my radishes looked.

sigh

You all remember my earlier post about my fake crazy wedding plans. Wanna hear the real crazy wedding plans?

1.) C wants cheesecakes as wedding cakes. I suppose I also want cheesecakes. After considering transport, caterers, making them ourselves, and Costco, one of my friends suggested this guy. I called him. We established that I was a friend of a friend and wanted him to make ten cheesecakes. When we got into specifics, things got a little weird. He asked how big the cheesecakes should be, what flavors I wanted, what price range I was looking at. I said ten inches, lemon or plain, and like $25 each. He said he didn't have ten inch pans, was six OK? And no lemon, but mint, sage, and berry. And he could probably do it for $10. The conversation kept getting stranger until I said "Wait, cheesecakes isn't a euphemism. I want you to make me pastries." There was a pause. "Ten ten inch cheesecakes, plain, for $25 each? That sounds fair. I'll do it. Ignore the other stuff I said."

2.) One of C's great aunts is embroidering us a marriage sheet. I'm no specialist on Chilean culture- all I have to go on here is indelicate speculation, guys.

3.) Things that have happened to my dressmaker since we hired her: husband's heart attack, finish remodeling house, move out of shed into house, party for 200 in her house, daughter gets tonsils out, first grandchild born, roof caves in on shed, secondary infection on tonsil area for daughter, husbands starts suffering from panic attacks which seem a lot like a heart attack every single time, flat tire, and cutting off part of her finger with a circular saw. Option one: dress is cursed. Option two: she hasn't discovered that you can cover up forgetting to do something with unspectacular lies.

4.) C's mother bought a case of wine for us. After we bought more cases (OMG so many monies) she explained that the good wine wasn't for the ordinary guests at the wedding. I, um...

5.) Y'all have probably heard about the napkins, right? My mother and I got into a screaming match because I wanted to use the tablecloths that she collects and she wanted to rent a whole bunch of amber ones that would brush the floor. We got into another because she hates polyester napkins and the only ones you can rent are polyester and paper napkins are just too tacky. Result: we made (she made) 24 tablecloths and 150 cotton napkins. Really.

6.) Every food my mother thinks is fancy is something C hates. Olives, proscuitto, blue cheese, Asiago, cornichons, cheesecakes that are any flavor other than plain... We're two weeks out and still unsure of the shopping list.

Why I'm on Facebook

The guy who I sat next to in Botany meetings years ago ewwww! dog hairs in the coca leaves!

My best friend when I was eight wants a fox squirrel.

C's roommate from college spent three days decapitating lab wasps and will probably have to do more of this in the future. Anyone know of a place that sells insect-sized guillotines?

R's college roommate All sex, all the time.

Has anyone else noticed an upswing in junk sites on Google? Like, visible in the top three, you go to find an address and they try to sell you jokes, recipes, and porn?

Propriety sucks

I've discovered one sure way to damage a rapport with your boss- wait for him to make an assertion, and then laugh and laugh and laugh. Helplessly.

The other day we were trying to get up to a cliff, and he asserted that "this was the most difficult site all summer." I started giggling while asserting that no, it was not. And then I thought of more and more sites, and kept laughing and laughing...

He was (and is) piqued.

See, I camped last week, doing the sort of work that probably was why early Christianity took off. It was gorgeous, it was really difficult, and the only thing that kept me going was the promise of a better world at the end. One with an abundance of showers and beds and a distinct lack of cliffs. I swear, the landscape looked like something out of a Henson film. Also, 60% of my caloric intake was almonds.

Then I went back to the better world and found it a.) everything that was promised and more (oh sweet refrigeration) and b.) full of people who wanted to talk about difficulties with serger repair and large reservations and other viscitudes of wedding planning. No one cared bupkiss about caves and long ridges that are actually knife-edge (I have cuts knife edge) and fossils and fog obscuring all ground with a slope less than 80% so the whole world is cliff and getting back to camp after dark when you left before dawn and realizing that the flashlights are probably back at a cave.

I spent the weekend being 2009 depressed, lying in bed, crying, and snapping at people. (The fact that I was unable to walk without a knee collapsing might be involved.) I am now trying to raise acceptable amounts of interest in making napkins and finding a place to put a last-minute reception dinner. But.

But.

I wanted something a lot less grand, reader. I wanted something simple and small. And if people can't be bothered to fake interest in awesome things, I don't know why I should fake interest in their stupid petty shit. As such, I am always six seconds away from being a horrible bitch.

I like the leis though! Those are nice!