I wouldn't drive Bear Camp Road in a government truck in the summer.

My quasi-uncle occasionally sends me e-mails with links to crazy shit- I thought it was a symptom of his codgerdome, but it's occurred to me that I do pretty much the same thing. My friends frequently receive links which purport to describe how to survive when lost in the woods with my crazy person commentary attached. Damn things are a menace, is all I'm saying. They pull heavily from US Army techniques- if the average joe gets lost in the woods, it's not going to be in hostile Cambodia. Just walk downhill and you'll be fine.*

The one factoid I've never doubted: In a survival situation, the easiest and most energy dense foods are grubs and other invertebrates. Turn over rocks and tear apart rotten logs to find these little packs of protein and fat. Well, hell and high water, I've spent the last few days tearing apart rotten logs and turning over rocks, and I'd say that advice is a crock of fecal matter. I found five scorpions, a half dozen earthworms, a couple of snails, and a metric crapton of cyanide centipedes. (Something about that name makes me reluctant to snack on them.) I've also found maybe a quarter cup of squirming maggots. I'd say a well fed, well rested person might have a slight edge in grub location, so I pity the starving wanderer. Kinda. I am looking for snails and I keep mistaking the blasted acorns for their shells. Giant, carbohydrate filled acorns. Everywhere.

*Or not- there was an unpleasant tragedy in our neck of the woods a few years ago involving a killer snow storm and some city people. C and I were discussing the whole mess and found that we had nearly opposite ideas of what the critical mistakes were. My opinions are the actual critical mistakes, of course. He said that you shouldn't fall in creeks in winter. I say anyone walking next to a mountain creek is eventually going to fall in.

If you get lost around here, try not to stay lost long enough to need to forage. That means letting people know where you're going and when you'll be back, checking the weather, packing extra layers and food and water, and asking people who know about the roads and trails you're going to take. (This applies to car trips as well as hiking.) Once you're out there, use good judgement. Keep looking back so you remember what the way out looks like. If you find a road, you're already on your way back to civilization- don't leave it. And if you're well and truly lost or well and truly stuck, climb a hill with your cell phone and try to send out a text message.