A Seasonally Disjunct Guide to Samhain Parties

There are guides out there for people who get invited to holidays that fall outside their religious experience. You learn about other cultures with many varieties of flavored grain, that babies sometimes merit a huge party for not dying, and that there are candles you should never ever blow out.

I can't find any such guides for Wiccan Sabbats.

Clearly, I need to write a quick and dirty guide for non pagans attending Samhain. It's pronounced Sow-wean (Like the female pig, not planting things.) It's celebrated around Halloween- there's a certain amount of flexibility in most people's specific date; like Easter, there's a bit of full moon/equinox madness. Somehow, this means I get invited to a couple every year on different dates. It's meant to usher in the deepest darkest bit of winter.

Why yes, I am writing this guide in March.

First things first. What you want to know, gentle reader, is if this festive event is worth attending. Since you can't equivocate during the invitation, (Will there be a ritual? Are we going to have to tell ghost stories? Will there be alcohol? Do I have to wear a costume?) you need the ask two questions: What proportion of the guests will be under the age of ten? Will we be talking about dead family members?

If more than 25% of those in attendance are children, follow your preferences regarding a children's Halloween party from the Peanuts era. People might be a little bit more earnest than usual, and the games might be a little lamer- it's a party with children about nihilism and potential starvation. Either that appeals to you or it doesn't.

When you ask about dead family members, listen very closely. If your potential host says no, you'll probably have to go through some New Agey self actualization crap about facing your shadow self and praising your inner god/goddess for the improvements you've made this year. If it were going to be a fun party with costumes, they'd call it Halloween. I'd skip it.

If the host says anything about the dead in a general sense, or things beyond the veil, there's a better than even chance there will be ghost stories with parallels to ancient* religion. People might say things while lighting candles. I'd skip this too.

*The 1910s are ancient, right?

If they say yes, we will be honoring the dead, go to that party. There will be a supremely uncomfortable half-hour where everyone talks about people who died this year and people they still miss. You will probably have to say one sentence- one sentence- about how you are sad that someone died. Then people will party. There's something about facing morality- and weeping in public- that makes for a great social event. *

*It's probably the drinking.

There will be mead. Mead is a vile liquor, meant to punish the romantic. Avoid it at all costs.

There will be fire. People will have opinions about fire structure. There's always an argument about where to put the next bit of wood. If you want to bring sage or dried flowers to throw in, that's a nice gesture. Don't do the stupid box trick unless you're far away from structures and surrounded by sand or snow.

There will be apples, probably in pie form. It's usually not very good. For some reason, pagans cannot make pastry crust properly. There will also be some sort of pumpkin dish. Someone might even bring a haggis. They will have used insufficient suet and not ground the organs finely enough. If it's a potluck, bring spareribs- very traditional- or a giant salad.

Bring your own chair.

To sum up: make sure you want to go, be very picky about what you eat and drink, and don't do the stupid box trick.