I hate your face, INTJ: You cannot replace everyone with spreadsheets.

You could probably replace me tho.

I really started this series to bitch about a certain personality type- but every time I try, white objects take on a migrainy sinister glow. Let's talk about INTJs instead.

For the first 25 years of my life, I thought an INTJ was what you became when you grew up. One day, a larval INTP spins a cocoon of unfolded laundry, electronics with dead batteries, and sheets that should have been washed some time ago. The sheets are full of crumbs also; this is important. After a long weekend, a beautiful INTJ emerges, capable of designing an experiment, drafting a thesis, and hobnobbing with professors while rewashing all that disgusting laundry. Caring about bacteria that may get into cuts on bare feet seemed like a small price. Thus, I tried really hard not to hate them. It would be like hating my future self.

But I'm surrounded by them. It's time to admit I'll never ever ever be like them. Thank God.

How surrounded? Here's a list: Father figure, baby brother, Conquistador lord of the Undead, R, Drewscriver, Estebe, current supervisor, and godfather. If they're 1% of the population, I must smell like steak sauce.

I don't mind that they're always right. It's like one stop shopping for your opinions. All my very best debates are bodily lifted from my INTJ cohorts. I expect to learn why my opinions on INTJs are wrong shortly after publishing this, and to be completely convinced.

I don't mind that they're surly. The mind is strong, but the flesh is weak. It continues to be weak regardless of how much one yells at it. So frustrating.

I do mind the paranoia though. In fact, everyone minds it. We've been talking about it when they're just out of the room, explaining how irritating and unwarranted it is, and then making fun of their hair. Specifically their facial hair.

It's just that they are all too willing to assume malice when stupidity is the more likely culprit. Or assume stupidity when the other person has radically different goals or techniques. They aren't willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. Specially jerks. They are totally unwilling to try to see the jerk's side of things.*

When an INTJ wants something done, they will either issue a direct order or put on a persuasive Power Point Presentation. (No joke, the godfather proposed with one of these.) They'll never slip in that they'd consider it a personal favor, or that it might look good when you're looking for a raise, or that they picked you up from the mechanic last month. It's as of they were ESL students who skipped the conditional and interrogative forms to spend more time on the imperative.

There are people out there who do not like blunt orders from surly people who are always right. Goddammit INTJ, remember that they aren't plotting against you, they just hate you. If you'd consider that other people have different ways of seeing the world- that they aren't just inferior versions of your superior intellect- then you'd realize that no one else spends their free time stewing over how to damage people they hate. They just vex you whenever an opportunity arises.

*This seriously inhibits their ability to manipulate said jerk into either aiding the INTJ or falling into a clever trap. There Drewscriver, you can use this post for your evil machinations now.