Friday, April 30, 2010

I hate your face, ISTJ: stop pretending such behavior is normal.

Here are some tips, ISTJ.

It is normal to wax nostalgic about the treehouses of your youth. It is even reasonably normal to build a treehouse as an adult. If one were to make it slightly elaborate, that would be understandable. It is not normal to have a treehouse with three stories, a retractable roof, running water, electricity, wifi, and a queen sized bed. Oh, you're putting in a hot tub and a fifty foot rope swing? Well, I guess you have to keep up with the Jones.

It is normal to spend the weekend tinkering in the garage. Repairing bookshelves, that's normal. Tinkering with your car, perfectly sane. Building your mother a harp with hand tools; that's so sweet that we'll call it normal. Wiring pretty much everything electronic in your house so it can be turned on over the internet with a user interface so complex your wife plans to burn your house when you die? That's not normal. When she wakes up and you've been hard at work (in your treehouse) for four hours- it's a little creepy to remotely trigger the coffee machine and turn on the hot water heater. But let's talk about the rail gun. An adult building a rail gun in the garage is atypical, even if it doesn't work very well.

You see how I mentioned turning on the hot water heater? It's normal to leave it on all the time, actually. I've been lucky enough to meet two people who graph the gas used by the hot water heater, and they are both ISTJs. (Bonus points: derive an equation that approximates gas use.) Oh, and if you're really concerned about cutting costs, you can set up a passive solar heater in the garden and shower there. Even when it snows, what the heck. The fences are plenty high, don't worry. Possibly your teenager has some friends over, but the social stigma from a dad who runs naked through the backyard in sleet is minimal. Much less than when a father has his math class correlate increased hot water usage with the child entering puberty.

I think I've given up. I know I'm not the person to enforce societal norms or reasonable behavior. I'll just watch. Next to the phone. Oh, you put 911 on speed dial because previous accidents have made your fingers unreliable? It's 6? Maybe you should label that.

You know how everyone else just complains about all the snow plows dump in their driveway? Go ahead and shovel the street before they show up. You're awake anyway.

Weigh yourself every morning to see if you're dehydrated. Bike cross country with your infant. Grow mushrooms in your bedroom. Convert your bathroom into a darkroom. And explosives... what problems can't you solve with explosives? Have you met advice dog?

And yet on dates you reportedly talk about your stock portfolio all night.

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